Sitting in Costa Coffee, listening to Chris Brown’s first album (his innocent days), the plan for today was to go to café to set the mood for blogging. But I’m a recovering lethargic. I have been for the past few months. I have draft filled to my ankles of ‘not good enough’ posts. They aren’t good enough because they’re about light, positive, cheerful things, which is contrary to where I was at. How can I speak about positivity when what I feel is negativity? I couldn’t really encourage when I wasn’t encouraged or saw the possible good in my situation, and if I could I was too focused on my ‘disengaged with life’. I was doing just enough to not be called out on. I was trying to be spiritual but wasn’t sure of my salvation, I was unsure of things that before I had been so sure of. My oh-so-solid foundation wasn’t as solid as I thought it was. All of this naturally knocked me down and Ellaleó felt the aftermath for a long while.
I wanted to be transparent but there’s something about my uncertainty and being as insecure of everything that made me want to cover my unhealed wounds because there’s that temptation to seem like I have my crap together, that I’m suited and booted. And its only from that place of being suited that I can then speak light but the thing is that doesn’t feel transparent you know? Like, to be transparent only when I’ve overcome the situation seems half-hearted, transparency, in my eyes, is bearing your soul even when your soul looks like it’s been run over three times, then had to crawl through the forest to find safety only to chased by Big Foot, you know? It’s not pretty or neat. I don’t know, but there’s this painful beauty in transparency, and breath of fresh air in just knowing someone else’s struggle (bro, Instagram perfection, after a while, get tiring… and depressing lol).
When I think of what I represent, the first thing I think of is Christ and the pursuit of ‘being more like Him’. When I tell you that I’m a Christian, I want you to know that if ‘I’m suited and generally have my crap together’ is in the UK, then I’m in Australia… on a boat trying to sail to Europe (pobrecita haha).
What differentiates my life lessons to the next person is that I have a platform to share it with others so they know that there’s another person who is sharing their ugly crying face right now (gurrll, the Kim K ugly crying face is so real right now) and its cool, because other days our contours will slay like Kim K (in Jesus name, amen). But I don’t want to be ashamed of my story or feel that the ideal time to show a wound would be when the wound is healed. So I just wanted to share with you that lesson, we don’t gots to be scared to show our pain because we are human. I repeat, we are human.